TODAY IS NOT THAT DAY
Due to numerous requests, I re-posted “Today Is Not That Day”
Coping with the death of a loved one is incredibly painful. While there are many stages of grief, there are two phases of grief “Shock and Trauma.” The Shock Phase occurs right after the death. You feel as if you’re walking through a nightmare and cannot accept the death. You may repeatedly say things like, “I can’t believe he died” or “This can’t be happening.” You will not be able to eat, focus, sleep or think rationally. After some weeks this fades.
Then the Trauma Phase begins. This is where the stark reality of the death sets in. While shock fades, trauma is what we live with for the rest of our lives. It is essential to realize that grief is part of the human experience and you can endure and get through it. I emphasize get through not get over—and we must learn to live with it and through our grieving process accept the reality of the death and through that acceptance finally reach a place of inner peace.
While the pain of loss is something we will cope with for our entire lives, the first year is especially challenging. This is due to “The Firsts.” The Firsts are significant dates associated with the person such as his or her birthday, date of passing and anniversary dates. The first year after a death is particularly painful not just because of the newness of the loss, but also because significant dates are excruciating reminders of the pain inflicted by the loss.
For many people the holidays are painful reminders that loved ones are no longer with us. It can be a very upsetting time. For most, the holidays are a distraction from our grief with the upbeat music, decorations, lights and good food.
On my Facebook Group the “Never Letting Go Grief Support Group” someone wrote how the first anniversary of the passing of her mother hit this person very hard emotionally. She said she cries, is angry and the pain feels like it is all new again. She wanted to visit her mother’s grave site but doesn’t know if she can bring herself to do this.
What she is experiencing is very normal and one must not punish or beat him or herself up for having these feelings. It is perfectly natural to mourn a loved one’s passing.
Why does this happen? It is because as in love as in the laws of physics, for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. In short, we grieve as deeply as we have loved.
One of the things I try to teach people is when certain days (like the anniversary of the passing) arise and you are hit with a “wave” of grief, you must tell yourself “TODAY IS NOT THAT DAY.”
It seems that subconsciously we want to bring ourselves back in time to the day of the loved one’s death. It is a trigger where we spiral into the emotions of the passing. It recreates the sorrow and the pain associated with the death. Suffering isn’t helping you or your loved one in spirit and it is important to your recovery in the grief process to understand you are not required to do that. You must tell yourself, “Today is not that day.”
Don’t get me wrong. I grieve for those I love and the anniversary of their passings are always extremely difficult. And, it is okay to honor the loved one who passed. It is okay to pray for that person and to pray for yourself. If you don’t want to visit the grave then don’t. When a person physically dies he or she is not anchored to the body. That person is now an immortal living spirit.
I suggest that you do not try to ignore the anniversary of the death. Rather, embrace it by doing something uplifting. Whether it is walking through a park or garden or visiting a place that person enjoyed, eat something fun (chocolate is always good) and remember that the reason you grieve for this person is because you loved him or her. Grief is the price of love, and we grieve as deeply as we have loved.
Feeling sad is normal, but like everything in life, these feelings will subside. The journey through grief is long, difficult and painful. It is a road no one wants to take, but one we are forced to travel at some point. Yet, the day the person died has passed. It will always be with us, yet TODAY IS NOT THAT DAY.
Mark Anthony the Psychic Lawyer®
Author of Never Letting Go: Heal Grief with Help from the Other Side and of the upcoming book Evidence of Eternity
Available on Kindle, Amazon.com, Walmart.com and all fine bookstores like Barnes & Noble
To order Never Letting Go:
To purchase online from Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Never-Letting-Go-Grief-Other/dp/0738727210/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1308845939&sr=8-2
To purchase online from Walmart: http://www.walmart.com/ip/Never-Letting-Go-Heal-Grief-with-Help-from-the-Other-Side/16217198
To purchase online from Barnes & Noble: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/never-letting-go-mark-anthony/1101373485?ean=9780738727219&isbn=9780738727219
An audio version of his book is also in Kindle version from Amazon: